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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.